Photo Credit: https://www.mothering.com/articles/we-should-all-be-concerned-about-postpartum-mortality-rates-in-black-women/

For a few months, after I gave birth to my third daughter, I felt … off. It was a gloomy feeling I just could not shake for the life of me. After consulting with a professional, I later learned that I was experiencing postpartum depression. As a black woman, the last thing I wanted to be associated with was any diagnosis that encompassed sadness. The most shocking feeling for me was that this wasn’t my first rodeo. Technically, I considered myself an “OG” of motherhood. And yet, even with this self-proclaimed title I had given myself, I just couldn’t seem to figure out why I didn’t feel like myself. Even when I talked to the older Black women in my circle, the best advice I got was to pray about it and it would pass.

I prayed. And prayed some more. And, yes, I found comfort in God, but the feelings never went away. I knew that He provided resources (i.e. a therapist) for me to truly get the best help possible. This poem is a true description of my journey through my postpartum pains.

Postpartum Through the Lens of a Black Girl

Congratulations on the new baby

Happy is what I should be

But something is so different

Something is off, I don’t feel like me

Girl, you’re tripping

This is a blessing indeed

But joy mixed with anxiety wasn’t something I expected to peak

We’re home, things will level out

I mean, this is baby number three

You got this, it’s just an adjustment

But it’s got to be more than that

Because I can’t seem to find any relief

Relief from the constant chaos and crying

the laundry, the dishes

All my other two babies need from me is to grant all their wishes

Mommy, can you play with me?

Can we watch my favorite movie?

I’m sorry, baby

I can’t right now

First, I must tend to all my duties

As a wife, mother, maid and chef

Lord, right now all I need is rest

I’m breaking, I can feel it

But girl you better get it together

Because you know black girls must do it better

We’re superwomen, remember?

We have an invisible cape,

doesn’t allow for depression, sadness or the slightest ounce of anger

But what happens when we feel like we’re in danger?

Danger of losing yourself

dealing with the fear of the unknown

I mean girl, you just had a baby

You should be on the phone

Taking lots of pictures for Facebook and Instagram

Stuntin’

Showing the world how you “snapped back”

But you can’t because you know you’d be straight fronting

But deep down you’re scared, tired and afraid

And your newborn baby won’t latch

And worried that your other babies will feel less attached

Because now you’re spreading yourself thinner then you ever have before

And all you can see is that you are required to do more

More for everyone else but yourself and now you don’t know who you are

Meeting everyone else’s needs while trying to repair from your own trauma and scars

It may not be easy, but after a while, if you’re still feeling pained

It’s okay to seek out help and call onto Jesus’ name

And if you feel like you are still in need of more

See if there is a professional therapist that you can confide in when you’re ready to open that door

To all of those feelings that you are afraid to confront

Because I promise you girl

You are not the only one

There are so many of us black girls scared to express our postpartum pain

That we often don’t deal with it head on

And it becomes the reason we are always drained

Mentally, physically and emotionally

I’ve been there before so this isn’t just a speech

It’s a feeling all too familiar that I just wanted out of my reach

I’m glad I found assistance where needed

And allowed myself grace

Because now I can better deal with this hectic race

The race of motherhood and the ability to keep the train going

Because I’ve got three little people who are always counting on me for something

Lord, I thank you for bringing me this far

I pray any mother who is experiencing this kind of uncertainty and pain

Will find peace within You and call onto Your name

For the patience, peace and understanding to know that all things are working together for her good

And knowing that she is doing the best she can during the journey of motherhood

Latricia Wray is a 30 something millennial wife and mother. By trade, she is a healthcare professional with over 10 years of experience specializing in administrative and medical practice implementation. Through her relentless journey, she would like to share her stories of triumph, challenges and day-to-day mayhem of marriage, motherhood and all things significant from a youthful, Christian and black woman's perspective. In her free time, she enjoys cooking, crafting, reading, writing and interior designing. Latricia looks forward to engaging with all those who are looking to find their relentless story.