I Made An Idol of Marriage

Counting your blessings daily is important. An early morning appreciation for the things God has freely given unto us really sets the tone for the entire day. I do a better job at this in some areas than I do others. It’s why I go to the grocery store at least three times a week. I don’t like bulk shopping. “Daily bread” I say to myself. The people in my life probably loathe this about me, but so be it. I could probably stand to save a few bucks here and there, but it’s one of the ways I keep my heart and eyes set on the Lord. “Daily bread, Father.” All is right in the world. 

And so, it’s recently dawned on me that this same approach to literal, daily physical bread needs to be my approach to everything in life. I think it is human nature to wish we were at a different place in our existence. We spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about where we could be, what we could have accomplished, or what we think our mates on social media are doing or feeling. Being content is not a negative thing, so long as that contentment is not joined by slothfulness. One can be content in their present circumstances, while committing each day to bettering themselves. It’s a daily war of attrition that starts in the mind, and one that I have been failing for quite some time now. 

Idolizing That Which Is Good

By each stretch of the world’s standards, I have been pretty “successful” in life thus far. I don’t really know what that means, but I hear it a lot. Yet, in spite of all the people around me that seem to believe I am doing great things, I could never seem to find peace and happiness. Why, oh Lord, can’t I be happy? What must I do to feel free? The answer has been right in front of me for years, yet I have continued to miss it. 

Recently, I acknowledged and confronted the deepest desires of my heart. More than I want to be a bestselling, inspiring author and public speaker, I want to be a loving, protective, serving, sacrificial, Godly husband. My desire to be a great, transformative public servant is uniquely and supremely trumped by the joy that entangles my stomach when I think about being a loving father to my children. I know these aren’t things that men usually admit, but lately, I have been forced to confront it. My professional goals are real and obtainable, and I seem to be on the way to those. Nonetheless, they haven’t brought me the same peace that the idea of being a family man brings to me. I am working to change that. 

Too often, we associate idolatry with overt sinful actions. In reality, anything we desire more than God can become an idol in our lives. For a short amount of time, sports were my idol. For the past few years, marriage and family firmly replaced sports as that which I longed for, pursued and desired more than the comfort and knowledge of God. Woe unto the man who places the creation over the Creator. (Romans 1:25)

Marriage is good. Family is good. The desire to be married, and to lead, love, serve and worship alongside a Godly wife is a very good and Godly thing. For me, however, it became a sinful obsession. It became that which engulfed me. I spent more time daydreaming about the future instead of enjoying the present blessings of the Lord. The world kept on spinning, and so did the days on my calendar without a wife. Suddenly, I was forced to confront this numbing truth. Why do I want this more than I want you, God?

History Is Not Legacy 

It didn’t take several dozen trips to a therapist for me to figure out why this was the unquenchable desire of my destitute heart. I am often reminded of the broken nature of my family, wishing relationships were different, and determined to ensure that when I get an opportunity to have my own family, I will not make the same mistakes. The reality of that truth still holds firm as a truth today. Yes, I can change the trajectory of my family’s legacy. No, loving and serving my wife and children will not cure all the ills in my own universe, yet alone the global church or world. The first family was a dysfunctional family. The Old Testament scriptures are laden with examples of Godly families that were also calamitous. Who am I to think I can avoid the wrath of God? 

Single me will, undoubtedly, be married me. If I’m not reading The Bible, studying my concordance, praying incessantly, and punishing my body into the mercy and submission of God while single, I won’t do it in the days after I take my lawfully wedded, either. Those disciplines and behaviors won’t magically pop up after God grants me the greatest desire of my heart. If anything, they’ll become more non-existent. I’ll be compelled to love my wife more than I love God. I’ll have been a single idolater and, overnight, become a married idolater. How then can I lead a wife and children into the presence of the Lord on a daily basis?

A lot of my brothers in the faith share this desire, mostly because many of us come from broken homes, where we didn’t see a Godly model of marriage or parenting. We love our parents. We don’t resent them for their shortcomings. We have just, by the grace of God, vowed to do better. This is a noble commitment, and one that, in my opinion, will do more for the transformation of the Black community than any policy recommendation or awards show performance. But no matter how good, noble and imperative something is, it can still become sin, especially when we put it above our desire for God. I did that with marriage. I did that with children. I have repented. Luckily, we serve a gracious and merciful Lord. (Psalm 103)

What Are You Holding Onto?

Marriage has been my idol, and while that may not be the case for you, many of us have something that we desire to an unhealthy degree. Perhaps it’s racial reconciliation, and your desire to see the progression of the Black race more than you would like to see souls won for Christ? Maybe you love traveling more than you delight in the goodness of God? Maybe your career or professional goals have fully engulfed every part of you, to the point that you can’t remember the last time you reallyopened your Bible, distraction free, and said “Lord, speak to me through your word.” 

The good thing is if you can read this, it’s not too late to repent. It’s an uncomfortable place to be, one that requires loads of introspection and sacrifice, but ultimately, it is worth it. This I know. This light, momentary affliction cannot compare to that which awaits us in the age to come. (2 Corinthians 4:17-18)

By the grace of God, I will be married one day. The Lord will grant me with the opportunity to love, honor, cherish and serve one of His daughters in a way that illustrates what Christ has done for us. Nonetheless, such a blessing does not trump the goodness of God. No matter how much I love any woman, Christ loves her more. No matter how many years I am married to a woman, if any, marriage is uniquely temporary. There is no marriage in heaven. I will not love my wife forever. God will. I must take solace in that. If you find yourself in the same situation I was, find peace in that truth as well.